ENCOURAGING YOUR CHILD TO RISK LEARNING
September 2008

Learning is all about risking failure. Does your child have what it takes to have a productive, successful school year? Much of what you do at home can prepare your child to feel capable enough to enter the class room excited and motivated to learn. Here are some simple tips to get your child going.

Give your child as much responsibility for self care as can be handled. ie. getting up; getting dressed; fixing food; cleaning up; putting away; carrying belongings; doing homework; etc.

Watch how your child handles stress including separation and change.

Don’t be quick to “fix it”.

Teach problem solving by asking, "What do you think you can do?" when your child is facing a challenge.

Be firm, friendly and consistent with your family rules.

Allow your child to make decisions and handle the consequences.

Your encouragement is a key component in your child’s success.

Choosing a Parenting Style

Becoming comfortable with who we are as a parent can sometimes be a difficult journey. I can remember never thinking about what parenting style I would use I just wanted to be a “good” parent. I used the autocratic model I was raised with and found out it didn’t work. It led to a discouraged child and an unhappy mom. There were lots of power struggles and very little cooperation. I knew there must be a way to parent where I could love my children and enjoy being their mother. The dilemma was how to find it.

With a lot of work I finally found the writings of Rudolf Driekurs and the psychology of Alfred Adler. I joined a parent group and soon realized it wasn’t me that was a “bad” parent it was the style I had chosen and I could choose to change it. What a relief! It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t quick. But the results were great! It’s an on-going process that I found works better with other parents who are working on change and can be supportive.

There are three parenting styles to choose from. Each one will give you a different outcome.

Authoritarian: A “boss” who gives orders, is very rigid and very strict. The result is a distant relationship based on fear.

Permissive: A “servant” who gives in, very lenient and disrespectful of self. The result is a manipulative relationship based on disrespect and resentment.

Democratic: A “leader” and a “teacher” who guides and gives choices is respectful and communicative. The result is a close relationship based on mutual respect.

The one I chose to learn was the style based on mutual respect. It seemed to make the most sense to me. I needed to learn how to:

Listen so my child would listen to me Invite cooperation instead of yelling demands and commands

• Share decisions and the household chores

• Allow my children to learn from mistakes

• Not expect perfection from myself or others

• Take care of my stress

• Discipline without hurting

• Replace punishment with consequences

• Be consistent and not give in

• Establish a routine that suited all family members

• Hold weekly family meetings to discuss the calendar and to model    problem-solving

• Resolve conflict and not need to win

• Accept appropriate display of emotions instead of denying them

• Establish a place for things and allow the time to return them to their   place

• Have faith in my child that they could handle the world and didn’t need   me to over-protect, pity them or spoil them.

September 2007

Living Peacefully

Families can live peacefully even in a world that doesn’t seem to know how. It can be done with respect and communication. Conflict is created when behavior does not meet expectations therefore all family members need an arena to be able to share their expectations and a place to resolve their differences.

The skills to living peacefully are as follows:

• Establish and follow a routine that everyone is comfortable with. Post it if necessary.
  
• Create a family calendar that is updated weekly.
  
• Organize space so everything has a place. Follow the expectation that when you take it out you put it back.
  
• Invite help instead of demanding it.
  
• Give options within the boundaries of the needs of the situation.
  
• Give a time frame in which something needs to be done.
  
• State the rules and what will happen when they are forgotten. Ask children to repeat what they are and what will happen when they forget.
  
• Be consistent with the consequences.
  
• Hold a weekly meeting where all members of the family get to share.
• Anyone can bring an issue to the table to be resolved.
  
• Use the “no lose” method of problem solving.
  

GETTING YOUR CHILD TO LISTEN - January 2007

Listening is a difficult form of communication that’s not easy to learn. Children can hear and not do what a caregiver wants so we tend to use the phrase, “my child doesn’t listen”. Getting a child to listen begins with a caregiver modeling the skill. Children will not listen to us until we listen to them! So then we ask, do I listen? If so, how do I listen, when do I listen, how often do I listen? Listening seems to take time - do I have the time to listen?

The skill of listening is at it’s best when a baby is born. The baby is non-verbal so the caregiver must listen carefully to the baby’s feelings, guess the cause and meet the needs, which shows the baby he/she is understood. The caregiver seems to let go of that skill when the child becomes verbal. Listening to words leads to making decisions for the child.

A child communicates by expressing feelings and behaviors. It is necessary to teach the child language that best describes the feeling behind the behavior. When a caregiver does not listen they negate the feeling and the child usually continues the behavior feeling misunderstood.

Effective listening means:

Eye contact - eye contact tell the child you take his issue seriously
Hear feelings and make guesses - ask yourself what is the anger, crying, frustration, etc. about.

Give the child feeling language - You must feel ... because ...
Ask child what he/she can do? - What do you think you can do to ...? (when a child is old enough to respond)

Example:
Child comes home from school, slams the door and shouts - I am never going back to that dumb school again!
Parent hearing words responds - Oh yes you are! What happened now!
Parent hearing feelings responds - Sounds like you are really angry with your teacher.
If the parent is right the child might open up and talk - Yeah, you know what she did? If the parent is wrong the child usually will set the parent straight - It’s not the teacher it’s the dumb bus driver. Either way listening has helped the child feel understood and connected.
A healthy relationship is based on healthy communication.

ENCOURAGEMENT

A child needs encouragement like a plant needs water. - Rudolph Dreikurs

No one would disagree with this statement. It is encouragement that will increase a child’s self-esteem and self-confidence while lowering misbehavior. All parents want to give their child the courage to face life and help them to feel lovable and capable, the problem is knowing how to do it. Many of us were brought up with models of discouragement. Discouragement decreases a child’s ability to see themselves in a positive way. Do you do the following thinking you are encouraging your child?

Remind/nag - Don’t forget .....

Point out mistakes thinking he will learn - How could you get so many wrong when we studied and you knew them at home.
Have unrealistic expectations - Just sit still and wait quietly.
Feel sorry and do the task for him - Poor baby, here let me help you.
Believe your child is not ready to handle the task - You’re too little. You’re not old enough. That’s too hard. You’ll make a mess.
Expect perfection. - If you can’t do it right then don’t do it at all. Why can’t you do it right?

Make comparisons. - Your brother can do it. When he was your age he could ...

Never allow frustration. - Don’t cry, here you can have it.
These are just a few of the ways in which we send messages to a child that he can’t handle life. A caregivers yelling, frowns, anger, withdrawal all send the message to a child that they are not lovable. Every interaction with a child will let them know who they are. So be careful.
Make sure you smile, hug, touch, spend time to send the message that You are lovable and allow a child to do himself and learn from mistakes and experience just how capable he really is.
If you want specific language as to how to encourage they will be available in the 2007 calendar tips.

8/06

Encouraging Self-Motivation
added June 1, 2006

As we observe how a child grows and develops we see that the child recognizes when the time is right to try a new skill. The child begins at birth to risk failure, he doesn’t ask permission, he just does it. If he fails he will try again. If he succeeds he will practice his new skill until he’s bored and ready to move on to something new. This is self-motivation.
If a child is born with it how does he seem to lose it? Many parent interactions that come from anger, fear and guilt begin to chip away at a child’s courage to seek and accomplish a new goal. The end result is a discouraged child. A child who may no longer have that wonderful internal need to see what he can do. He learns to try to please others and to only work for the rewards of others instead of for the self reward of accomplishing what is important to him. Having the ability to encourage a child means replacing anger with acceptance; fear with faith and guilt with gratitude. These emotions will lead a parent to words and actions that enable a child to believe - I am capable; I can control my environment; I can effect change.
Acceptance is demonstrated by accepting a child for who he is and where he’s at. It does not mean to accept inappropriate behavior but to accept personal strengths and weaknesses. To focus on effort and process rather than the outcome. To point out what he can do rather than what he can’t do. To help a child set small goals that can be achieved. That is the road to success.
Faith is demonstrated by knowing that a child will learn from mistakes and to not expect perfection. The child needs a parent to be there when he fails and ask the questions that will help him to move forward and to see that the ability to risk failure will lead to success. The best way we all learn is by experience.
Gratitude is demonstrated by words and actions of appreciation. Thanks for your help; Your thoughtfulness and kindness mean a lot to me; I am so glad you are in our family; I couldn’t have done it without you; I really appreciate your effort.
I encourage all parents to take the time to write a letter to their child stating their strengths, supporting their goals, appreciating their contributions to the family and telling them how much you love them. Don’t forget that mini notes on mirrors, pillows and in lunch boxes also have the same effect. YOU CAN DO IT!

Balancing Family Life
added Jan. 1, 2006

Healthy families share decisions on how the family will operate. The easiest way to do this is by establishing a  weekly get together to discuss the following:

Ÿ       Appreciations and contributions large and small. This leads to all members feeling needed

Ÿ       Concerns. When concerns are resolved without conflict all members feel safer and more respected.

Ÿ       Allowances. Sharing money with family members gives them the freedom to learn how to spend, save and give back.

Ÿ       Chores. Each member of the family has the job of caring for self, for others and for their home.

The end result of a family who shares is a wonderful sense of belonging to a special group who you can trust, respect and love. Nothing is more heartwarming than to hear the phrase “our family”.  

FAMILY TIME
added Oct. 11, 2005

One major impact on family life today is the loss of  time spent together. Today’s families are very busy. Due to harried schedules many families do not have the opportunity to even eat together. This can create:

•  a feeling of separateness
• a feeling that no one cares
• a lack of training in how to get along and how adults and children communicate
• and the perception that “I can do what I want when I want to do it”.

Family time can be made a priority by making sure:

• each child gets ten to thirty minutes regularly with each parent alone
• that co-parents spend time with one another weekly
• you don’t forget time alone to nurture yourself
• to plan time to work together, doing such things as house cleaning or yard chores
• to include time for fun as well - weekly outings, family entertaining or family vacations
• to gather at mealtime and use it to listen to what is important to each family member. Some families have every person share a “high” and a “low” of the day
• to hold a weekly planning meeting to discuss and write the routine of the week on a family calendar.

Taking time to make every member of your family feel connected and cared about will strengthen your family and minimize the risk of problem behaviors. 

Parents As Leaders
added September1, 2005

• Qualities of an effective parent are the same qualities of an effective leader.
  
• Believe in the importance of the challenge. Parenting is the most important challenge that anyone accepts. It deserves a commitment that lasts forever.
  
• Recognize your strengths. Keep in mind what you have to offer your child and why they are lucky to have you as a parent.
  
• Realize you do not know it all. You will need to learn from your child what his/her needs are and how to meet them at the appropriate time.
  
• Establish a safe environment where everyone feels comfortable enough to explore, to make mistakes and to learn together.
  
• Create a vision that respects each family members place. No one has more importance than another.